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So I found this site, what a great way to get some cheap therapy. I can write up some private thoughts and then spill out some public rambling (almost like a confessional). I really have a difficult time talking about myself with others and I don’t like to talk to myself, I think I’m afraid of what I may think of me, so this should be interesting.

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What am I hoping to gain from this experience? All I want is to strengthen my ability to express myself about the one topic I most want to keep secret: me. I’m not really looking for any answers I just want to be able to form the questions better. I have found that the better the question, the more correct the answer. So, for now, I will focus on the questions and let the answers come as they may.

This week I got some advice that has helped me get headed in a better direction. I'm reffering to the delema w/D. I am so grateful that I had an open mind and heart to hearing the advice because I believe everything's going to be fine now!

Enabling, co-dependency, scarie words for the true controller.�But if one can listen and heed the message one could loosen thier grip, relax, let it be.

Yesterday I shared this insight with Bear and when he got home he had had some thinking time on the commute and had a plan! We had a talk with D., shared our plan which ultimately reestablishes the onus for the mess he's in and relieves us of the burdons that were resulting in our panic/co-dependency/enabling behaviors.

I tell you - I feel like a new person this morning! I've had a weight lifted off my shoulders. Don't be surprised if you see me skippin down Main St. today sportin a goofie grin!

Started out Thursday at home but Slick wanted me to drive in for the ESX remediation/redesign meeting.� Mostly as a show of solidarity since I'd already been collaborating on the project and I've seen all the data.

Had lunch with Cartman, Sper-dooge, and Grandpa Simpson.� Went to the Greek Restaurant up in north Scottsdale.

The presentation went fine, everyone agreed to move forward and we only spent 3 hours on it.� I spent the next couple of hours talking with Mr. T and Slick about various items of business.

- Brought the 64 Oracle server home to build at my leisure.� I want to get it done next week if I can, right now its just sitting on the spare chair in my office.

- Mr. T. said that if I _really_ want to move to Oregon, he might be able to persuade our CIO to let me continue working for the company and just commute to Phoenix once a month.�

-- I could buy my own plane or just fly Southwest Airlines, the only airline still in business that makes a profit and has loyal customers.� Maybe its because they treat the customers like they matter.

Thought that I would try the online journal route.� I think I have talked individuals to death about what I am going thru (or for a lack of better words have put myself thru).� I at times, most times, feel like I cannot heal myself.� The deep internal sadness that grabs me up and squeezes tight each and everyday.� Somedays are better than others, but when the bad days come it is something else. I keep starting journals and never finish.� I also do not like going back and reading what I've wrttten.� I end up hating that person that I portray in the journals.� But maybe eventually writting in this or whatever journal I stick with, will prove to be theraputic.� Perhaps I can make a book out of it.� I have taking a couple of creative writing classes� so who knows.� So I will attempt to take the positive route and keep up with this and work through whatever is bothering me, and right now that's alot!� Hopefully I will also receive some feedback/comments to also assist with the process of moving forward.

As I go forward I have to believe I'm headed in the right direction but today I find myself questioning it. I wonder what my modivations are for what I'm doing.

I want to do good in my life, I want to give good, be a leader, be strong for my family, be commited to�a service, be open to learning and to always see there's room for improvements.

That thinking has me stumped today. I just have all these issues coming up lately that don't seem to just be rolling along nicely. I'm not feeling so successful at the end of the day. Yesterday another "issue" popped up and I felt strongly about it, I cried alittle bit. Than this thought came to me, "How come I seem to have such thin skin lately?"

Oh man, I wish I could just not care. I know people like that - they don't ever question themselves, they just plow right along and let the chips fall where they may. I want to be like that but I worry alot, think too much, and here I am...stumped.

My feelings about Evelyn:

I want to be her friend.

I worry about her well being.

I don't like saying no to her.

I feel bad when she manipulates me.

I feel used at times by her.

I've asked myself lately, why am I in this with her. Well, it's nearly 4yrs since we met and it is what it is now, no getting out now. So hey, get over it! She's an old woman that has been living her life the way she's seen best and she ain't gonna change for me. I need to�step back and be ok with that. I thought I could make a difference to her but I see now that all she wanted from me is what she could get, can't blame her, she needs help sometimes. I need to just let it be.�